Monday, 16 February 2015

You can leave this party, but you can't leave your own skin

Hello again! I pretty much had the most eventful weekend in ages, which pretty much conveys how antisocial I've become as for most people it really wasn't too hectic. It was still lovely however, I went to a vintage fair, Costa and just generally chilled with friends. Eventually, I become very tired when spending so much time with people and I need to have time by myself (oh the woes of an introvert). I guess my brain is just to attached to the idea of watching movies all day on my lonesome. Also, on the note of movies, I recently watched Whiplash and it was super good! I highly recommend it to all, especially those who are foreshadowing a power cut and have no other entertainment other than to watch the candles burning by your side (what a fantastic Friday night I had). 

On Sunday, as of having a very last minute decision of sleeping over at a friend's house, my mum had to essentially choose my outfit and it actually ended out super cute! I still felt bad as I basically made her responsable with a chore that usually takes me for ages to do (I always over pack for sleepovers and holidays....and everything else).
Dr Martens - Schuh (in the sale) 
Also I recently purchased these boots for school, but it turns out they go with everything. Originally we went to Debenhams to buy school boots but the salesperson was kinda rude and my feet are apparently too weird to fit any of their shoes.
top - Primark
shorts - Beyond Retro
Also, since in the vintage fair I bought approx £27's worth of clothing I thought I would show you the haul. The vintage fair I went to this time was the vintage kilo sale and it was rich in super cute clothing. However, about half the time I was fangirling over the clothes the other shoppers were wearing!

This jumper is ridiculously big on me, in the "it could be a dress" kind of way, yet I was blinded by the fact it has my 2 favourite colours (yellow and green) and just bought it without contemplating that. It's also the cosiest, warmest thing ever so I will be putting it in the emergency box in case of another 1 and a half hour long powercut!
When I saw this I just thought "COLOURS! PRETTY!", but then I lassoed it out the bins and realised it was a skirt and imagined all the magical times I will have during the summer wearing it like the fairy my childhood self wishes to be.
This jacket reminded me of this lady, who I have to agree with, green is a very happy colour.
I simply love the paisley-ish print of this jacket and I felt as if it were a dark enough colour so that the pattern wont drown out an outfit but instead add extra cute points. Also, it fits really well which is a plus as I wear so many oversized pieces of clothing and I really should start dressing at least slightly for my build!

Thank you for reading this post and I hope you enjoyed it! Have a super swell time!

Thursday, 12 February 2015

Turning a new leaf

Long time, no see. I've been in the midst of my anxiety whilst dealing with prelim exams (mock exams) which has been quite a struggle and I've not taken any pictures lately due to being mentally caught up with everything. However, I have been scavenging through old photos to get me back into the spirits of this blog and to remind myself why I actually started this. I started this blog to voice my opinions, post inspiration and to note what has passed me by. It is necessary to make sure that this space does so as otherwise I tend to forget how freeing it is to be able to have a place where I can actually do all this. This is blog will be genuine, as admittedly I'm terrified of the truth, but that's what I need. 

A friend once told me when I was stuck in my dark thoughts that people loved me because of who I am, and I'm going to try to accept that.

This is me and one of my greatest friends. Nikki has a great soul and has been through a lot but through both our similarities and differences we have stayed close. This photo reminded me of the power of friendship, a power not to be forgotten. Just because you may feel friends have strayed away, doesn't mean they won't be there for you.
I reminisce of my many patterned tights before my mum threw them out when they became laddered. It's strange as I actually like when tights soon come to tatters, as they may be old but they still function and it makes me feel as if we have gone through great journeys together like Indiana Jones.  

The creepers I'm wearing are from Wholesale7, the purchase of them made me realise that even if you buy a size up, the shoes will still be too small! (which really is the biggest shame as they really are the cutest)

There's nothing really to say about this outfit, it was just more of a bold choice for me. 
I took a few photos after I got my fringe cut again (oh yeah, I may have forgotten to mention that). The essence of these is basically "my hair is now cool but it's too cold outside". I really like taking overly exposed photos as they remind me of old disposable photos in my room. There must be air of nostalgia lurking around my head as it even caused me to buy a couple of disposable cameras. However, there still is the struggle of worrying if the photo came out okay and me basically having a memory of a goldfish which causes me to forget to take it anywhere.
(oh and I just noticed that I'm wearing the same skirt as before, I promise that I wash this skirt)
jumper - charity shop
top - charity shop
skirt - New Look 

I'm in love with these glasses, yet I've still not got them lensed. It's really irritating as I feel more comfortable in them than my other pairs but it's too much work to actually sort it out, ugh.
I'm really hoping that I'm going to venture outside a bit more, I've pretty much only gone to town once in the past however many months as it takes a lot of emotional energy to actually go on the train and be prepared to stand around and deal with the possibility of losing people whilst being surrounded by others. I just want to be inspired: see and create art. To venture into adventure is a great experience in itself. 

I hope you've enjoyed this post and are having a swell time!

Friday, 6 February 2015

tw: my personal experience of anxiety

First and foremost this is a post about mental health and anxiety (in particular, my personal experience) so I advise all who may be triggered by this topic to not read on. However, if you aren't it may still be useful to at least know of these websites:

(also look out for anxiety self-help apps, even having a simple breathing exercise app can be very helpful just in case you or someone around needs it) 

I've attempted writing this so many times, and it's taken me a while so bear with me if it's not perfect, please. Also, bear in mind I'm talking about my own experiences here, not everyone deals with the same things, and I apologise if it seems as if I'm trying to generalise it, because I'm not, I'm just trying to educate. (And please point out to me if I wrote any grammatical errors, I'd rather not distract people from the actual point of the post)

For about almost 3 years I've dealt with anxiety, particularly panic attacks. The anxiety has effected my thought patterns to basically cause me to worry about pretty much everything I do. If I've had a bad experience I think about all the details such as "Oh it's where I was, I have to stay away from there" or "Actually, maybe I was talking to my friend the wrong way", causing me to restrict the way I act and when something slightly bad happens: panic. Which has led me to here, feeling constantly down and unable to focus properly on school or my social life.

Anxiety can range from person to person to person. The 6 major types are obsessive compulsive disorder, generalised anxiety disorder, panic disorder, phobia, post-traumatic stress disorder and social anxiety disorder.  People dealing with any type of anxiety will always differ to the next, however there is one thing every person with a mental illness has to deal with and that's the stigma that comes with it.

*also bear in mind these are my personal experiences so whenever I may say "you" in reference to these experiences I mean myself, I'm not assuming if you have anxiety or don't (it's just easier for me not to write in first person sometimes)*

When I walk into my school, every day I feel the need to hold my head up high so I feel at ease with no one thinking that I wish to hide away. Yet at breaks I find myself sitting by myself just so I can breathe without being surrounded by others. Frankly, it's difficult to deal with. It forces me into a multiple personalities that I don't wish for, all because my school is graced with ignorant people who shame each other when someone steps out of place (and to be fair they do this with pretty much anything, but I'd rather not go off on a tangent). I've found to be confused of who I actually am, am I this quiet girl who still brings a smile to her face or am I a person who just wants to survive?

People make ignorant comments, and I know they are just plainly ignorant. Yet when you have anxiety you will always have that other part of your mind that believes it, it scares you and makes you think of endless possibilities until it's no longer yourself. Anxiety in the end is consistently prevalent through all of this. In other words: please consider the other person's circumstances before being an absolute mouldy yoghurt to them, or in fact just don't act like a mouldy yoghurt. 

However, facts are facts and my anxiety is not caused by ignorance, and it's most certainly bigger than any silly comment. I still deal with panic attacks, pacing thoughts and the further effects of this anxiety. All these different aspects in the end make me feel like a freak regardless of the idiots I deal with. It causes myself to feel like people will always be watching me, laughing at me, spreading rumours about me, when there is no reason to. All in all, it has made me feel isolated, because that's what it does, it causes anxiety.

In the end, no one can tell. It's a mental illness. I could be saying that I'm dreaming about flaming monkeys and you'd still have the same experience from reading this. All I want from this is a deeper understanding of mental health rather than the "lessons" they teach at school.

Thank you for reading this, it's really hard to actually discuss this because I've never discussed it too so many people before but by doing this, in my mind it makes mental health on the track to becoming less taboo and also helps me feel a little less fake.